A Family Force 5 Christmas
by RayBanCoolness
Summary: In this parody novel based on the real members of Family Force 5, the boys learn to appreciate the simple Christmas joys as they wreak havoc along the way.
1. Chapter 1

"Dude," Derek Mount breathed as he looked out at the crowd.

Once again, the stadium was jam-packed with fans eager to see him and the others do what they did best. His friends-slash-bandmates gathered around him and looked out as well.

"It's time, boys," the stage manager said.

"Let's do this!" shouted the bassist, Josh. They all put their hands together and raised them up in a battle cry: "Dance or die!"

They ran out on stage, and the audience went wild. Girls were everywhere, some sporting sunglasses the band members had custom-designed themselves, some with signs that read "I LOVE FAMILY FORCE 5".

That was their name. Derek loved hearing it. He was the most out-of-place member (being the most sane), the worst dancer, and had felt a bit on the outside of the group for a while. Solomon, Josh, and Jacob were all brothers, and Nate had joined even before he had. Still, these guys were great and had accepted him as one of their own. Now it was time to rock the house.

It was December, and they were on their Christmas Pageant tour. They opened with a crowd favorite, "Love Addict" from their first CD, and threw out wrapped presents filled with cookies.

Two hours later, they were bowing to the applause as they exited the stage. Josh high-fived Jacob, and Nate did a fist pump. They changed out of their Charles Dickens-style costumes and headed out for the signing.

Jacob walked over to the merch table to check up on things. "How are we doing?" he asked Swath, the main salesman.

"Pretty good so far," Swath replied. "People are buying up all the shirts."

Just then, an angry-looking woman marched up to the table and smacked her fist down. Jacob jumped.

"My daughter caught one of your presents and it was _empty_," she growled.

"Well, there should have been at least a cookie in it," Jacob said.

"No, there was nothing in it," she repeated.

"I'm sorry. It was just a prop, you know, a gift."

The lady looked even angrier. "Not to an eight-year-old it wasn't," she said and stormed off.

Derek walked up after she had left. "What's going on?" he asked.

"Some lady just complained that her daughter caught a box and it was _empty_," Jacob said, imitating the woman.

"Did you tell her it should have had a cookie in it?"  
>"He tried," Swath cut in. "She didn't even give us a chance to give her something for her daughter."<p>

Derek chuckled and called Solomon over. "Hey, Sol, listen to this. Some lady got an empty gift," he told the lead singer.

"What? I packed those all myself!" Solomon said. Josh and Nate walked up and laughed.

"Epic fail, Mr. Olds," Nate said to Solomon.

Solomon shook his head. "You know what I would've said to her? 'Take a hike, lady!' "

"Be nice, Sol," Swath said.

"Tell it to her," he mumbled as he walked into the dressing room they all shared. He enjoyed his roadies: they always teased each other.

As he started to take off his jacket, he turned around and saw a teenage girl gawking at him. "Whoa!" he said. "Who…who are you?"

"My name is Sarah Whippet," the girl said, still eyeballing Solomon. "I'm your biggest fan, and I just wanted to meet you. I can't believe I'm here!"

"Uh…okay then," Solomon said. He pulled the edges of his jacket tighter around his chest. "Nice to meet you, Sarah. How did you get in here?"

Sarah smiled even wider (if that was possible). "I asked Jacob where the dressing room was, and he showed me right to it. He's so sweet."

Solomon sighed. Jacob didn't hurt anyone, but he had his annoying moments…like when he didn't realize that this girl was only a fan, and no one really important. "Oh, okay. Well…thanks for stopping by," he said in dismissal.

Sarah didn't budge. "Can I help you with something?" he finally asked.

"Yeah, I was wondering…how old are you?" she said, still grinning creepily.

"Thirty-two. Anything else?" He was starting to get annoyed with this chick.

"Would it be possible if I had you guys over for Christmas?" she asked eagerly.

Solomon Olds couldn't believe her. Not only did she walk in _his_ dressing room (that he shared with four other men), but here she is, looking at him like he's a prize-winning pig covered in chocolate (a farm girl's biggest dream), and now she's making demands—

"Sure, that sounds great," he choked out. What? This was _not_ what he had planned on saying! They always spent Christmas with their families, not some stranger's house. He must have been temporarily controlled. Maybe that guy Mark he heard everyone talking about was to blame.

Sarah's giant brown eyes grew even larger (Sol was starting to get truly scared by this point) and she started jumping up and down and screaming, "Thank you so much! Oh my gosh, wait till Reagan hears! You won't regret it! I live in Pennsylvania, by the way! I'll keep in touch through Facebook! Can I give you a hug?"

"Wha—" Solomon began to protest, but it was too late. The girl had her arms wrapped around his middle like a vise. Then she ran out the door, yelling "See you at Christmas!" on the way out.

Solomon slowly walked out to the other FF5 members. "Uh, guys?" he began. "I think I just scheduled Christmas in Pennsylvania."


	2. Chapter 2

On a plane again. I can't wait to get on a plane again.

The altered song lyrics ran through Nate's mind as he sat in his airplane seat. Josh, asleep, rested his head on Nate's shoulder. He had tried to shrug it off for twenty minutes, but Josh was a solid dude (hence the stage name Fatty).

Jacob sat in the row ahead of them, next to Solomon, and Derek was across the aisle. Nate looked out the tiny window, but there was nothing to see except cumulus clouds. Feeling nauseous, Nate began to think of the song again, changed once more. On the ground again. I can't wait to get on the ground again.

Sol turned around to face him. "Can you believe this?" he whispered fiercely. "It's December 22nd, we're on our way to London, the tour officially ends tomorrow, and then we gotta go to PA to some stranger's house?"

Nate rolled his eyes. "P.S. _You_ got us into this. Not to mention that we don't have to keep some promise _you_ made to someone just because _you_ made it."

"But it's kind of mean to say 'yeah' and then flake, don'tcha think?" Solomon said.

Josh grunted. "It's kind of mean to get as irritated about it as you are, Sol," Nate replied.

Derek sat up in his seat. "Hey, guys, I got a hit on our Facebook page."

"Wow. News to me," Solomon said sarcastically as he turned back around.

Derek shot Solomon a look. "It's from a Sarah Whippet. Isn't that the name of the girl you talked to?"

"Yeah. What'd she say?"

"She said, 'Hey guys, it's me. Just wanted to wish you luck in London—"

"How does she know about that?"

"Shut _up_, Sol," Derek said. "Anyway, 'just wanted to wish you luck in London, and by the way I'm making cranberry sauce.' Wow. Weird."

Solomon looked up. "I love cranberry sauce," he said quietly.

"I think she knows that, man. I think she's some kind of stalker chick."

Jacob frowned. "I didn't meet her, but from what you told me, she seems cool."

"You did _too_ meet her! You're the one who showed her right into my dressing room!" Solomon shouted.

"_Our_ dressing room…" Nate said.

Josh woke up and said groggily, "Whatever's going on, I just want you to know I want pizza for dinner."

"Go back to sleep, Joshua," Jacob said. Josh laid back down (the other way, to Nate's relief) and fell asleep instantly.

"How…does he do that?" Derek asked.

"Never mind," Sol said. "We need to figure out how to tell this Sarah that we ain't comin'."

"I'll take care of it right now," Derek said, typing. "We…ain't…comin'…"

"No, man, you gotta say it nicely!" Jacob said. Derek glared at Jacob and held down the backspace button.

All of a sudden, Derek's cell phone went off. "I could've sworn I had it on airplane mode," he mumbled as he picked it up. "Hello?"

The rest of the band members couldn't hear exactly what the person on the other end was saying, but whoever it was, they sounded hyped up and way too excited. Derek tried to get a few words in here and there ("I—yeah—no, we—see, the thing is—"), but the other person apparently kept talking and talking. Derek made faces at the others to express his annoyance.

"Who is it?" Jacob asked. Derek just shook his head.

"Whoever it is, it must not be good," Nate said in a hushed voice.

"Uh-huh. Okay. Yeah, sure. Alright, bye." Derek hung up and sighed.

"…well?" Solomon said.

"That was Ms. Sarah Whippet. She was just calling to confirm that Family Force 5 would be joining her family for Christmas."

"And you told her we _weren't_, right?" said Sol.

Derek squinted his eyes. "Weeelllll…I kind of _tried_…but…"

"Oh man, are you kidding me?" Solomon threw his hands up in exasperation. "I was looking forward to spending Christmas with my _parents_…and my _wife_…and my only _son_…"

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry. Okay? Here. You call her back and explain then, okay?" Derek handed his phone to Solomon.

"Okay! I will!" Sol said. He pressed redial and waited as the line rang. "How the heck did she even get your number?"

Jacob coughed. Everyone (minus Josh) turned and looked at him. "What?" he said. "I didn't _mean_ to…"

Nate groaned. Solomon shushed him as the line stopped ringing. "Hello?" said the other person.

"Hey, is this Sarah Whippet?"

"Yes, this is."

"This is Soul Glow Activatur from Family Force 5. I'm just calling to—"

He was interrupted as Sarah began to scream. "Oh my gosh! Mom! SOLOMON OLDS JUST CALLED ME! AHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Oh boy," Sol breathed. "Sarah? Sarah! Hey! Yeah, I was—no, wait a sec—Sarah?"

"Omigosh, omigosh, hi! How are you?" Sarah finally said.

"Good, good, how are you?"  
>"I'm <em>great<em>! This is AWESOME."

Solomon scratched his head. "Uh, yeah, really cool. Listen, about Christmas—"

"You're coming, right? Because you guys are my favorite band ever, and it would mean the world to me and my sister and my best friend."

"Uh…well…"

"It would seriously make this Christmas the best day of my life."

"Ohhh…" Solomon gulped. "Uh, right, cool, see you in 3 days!"

"Bye! Love you!"

Solomon hung up. Derek snatched his phone right out of his hand. "What the CRAP was that?" he asked.

"I don't know, man, she just…she was going on about how it would make the best day ever, and mean the world to her…I couldn't say no." Solomon shook his head in disbelief.

Just then he felt a sharp pain in his right ear. "Ow! What the heck was that?" he said, whipping around.

"I flicked you," Nate admitted. "For being a pushover softie-butt."

Sol sighed. "Look…maybe we all have the wrong attitude about this. How bad could it be?"  
>"PLEASE don't ask that."<p>

"Shut up, Derek. No, seriously, maybe this can be like our nice Christmas present to someone. Like instead of donating $500,000 to curing malaria, we show up at this girl's house for a day."

"You just want the cranberry sauce," Jacob said.

"Dude, I _like_ cranberry sauce, okay?"

"You can only have it if you eat the stuffing," said Nate.

Solomon pretended to gag. "Yeah right. It looks like a bunch of crap just thrown together. I don't wanna eat that."

"I like stuffing!" Jacob shouted. "Tornadoes!"

Josh snorted and woke up again. "Hey, did we get the pizza yet?"


	3. Chapter 3

The cashier just looked at Jacob with a strange expression on his face. "Sir, we do not sell chimichangas here…this is McDonald's."

Jacob laughed as the other bandmates rolled their eyes. "Can we just get five quarter-pound burgers?" Solomon said.

"Sure, just a moment," the cashier said as he typed out the order.

"I wish you'd stop saying that stupid chimichanga thing," Nate said quietly to Jacob.

"But it's funny!"

"Trust me—it ain't."

"Would you two shut up?" Josh groaned. He had not had a good nap on the plane: now he was left with a headache.

"Don't tell me to shut up! I'm sick of being treated like crap!" Jacob cried. "Just because I'm the drummer, no one cares."

Derek wrapped his arms around Jacob in a big hug. "You're my best friend, Jacob. I care."

"Thanks, man," Jacob said, hugging him back.

"Well, I'm the bassist, and no one cares that I HAVE A HEADACHE," Josh said.

"All y'all quit your whining," Solomon commanded. "Let's just get our food and go sit down."

"At least you didn't have Fatty drooling on your shoulder on the way here," Nate complained.

"I do not drool when I sleep—"

"Stop arguing," said Derek, giving Josh a hug as well. "Tonight's performance is gonna be awesome."

"He's right," Solomon agreed. "Last stop, British club, magazine called Rocksound. It's all good in the Family Force 5."

Derek walked up to Sol and hugged him. "Indeed."

A few seconds passed. "Uh, dude? Could you like, let me go now? It's getting kind of awkward."

"Sorry, SGA."

"Hey, don't I get a hug too?"

"Sure thing, Nate," Derek said as he hugged him.

"Group hug!" Jacob yelled before grabbing the two of them in an embrace.

Josh ran up and hugged the other three guys, all of them giggling. Solomon put his face in his hands. "Why do y'all always have to embarrass me?"

…

"Thank you, Great Britain! See you next time!"

The concert (and the Christmas Pageant tour) was finally over. No more traveling for a while. Back to normal life.

Boooriiing.

Jacob loved the thrill of traveling everywhere from America to Australia to play for crowds. It was a place where he could be accepted. And not only accepted, but adored by thousands of fans.

He knew the others didn't _really_ treat him like crap. He knew they all cared about him. But they always seemed to be picking on him.

When he was 10 years old, Jacob Olds was diagnosed with a very rare and hard-to-pronounce even-harder-to-spell social disorder. It was a mild case, but he had his own ideas about life. What was good and what was bad. What was funny and what was not. What was appropriate and what was inappropriate.

It was a realization he struggled with on a day-to-day basis. His brothers knew about it as soon as he did, of course, but it took him a while (and a lot of courage) to tell anyone that wasn't family.

The only other non-relatives that knew were Nate Currin and Derek Mount.

Derek was his best friend in the world. He always knew how to make Jacob feel better, while his twin brother Josh just sat there quietly, not knowing what to say, and Solomon…well, Solomon was Solomon. Jacob loved his brothers, but they could seem so disconnected sometimes.

He hadn't even told his wife yet.

It had taken him 24 years to find a woman he clicked with. Even in his high school years, he could never get the girl. Maybe they all sensed there was something wrong with him. But those years of his life, filled with rejection, loneliness, and nights full of tears, still made him sad if he thought about them. How he had no friends. How his only friends had left him once he was declared "uncool".

How Josh and Solomon, disconnected as they might be, turned his life around and gave him a purpose.

That's when he took up drumming.

Drumming unleashed the negative thoughts and feelings he had pent up inside of him. And he was good at it, too.

One day a 15-year-old Solomon had come to him and asked him, "How about we start a band?"

And so the Olds brothers became the Jonas Brothers. Well, not quite. They managed to secure a small record label and produce music for a while, but that eventually fizzled out.

Solomon met a guy named Nathan Currin, who had worked in several small-scale bands before.

"He's good, man," he had said about his piano skills. "He's awesome."

After they had recruited him, Jacob suggested one of his friends to Solomon. "He's great on guitar."

And so Derek Mount was. Thus began the band Family Force 5.

This experience had changed Jacob's life. Literally. The day that Solomon asked him to start a band of brothers was the day that Jacob had planned to run away from home.

It wasn't worth trying to make something of himself in Georgia. No one in the world paid any attention to him, not even his brothers, the two men he looked up to the most. They ignored his requests to hang out, barely tolerated his signs of affection, and never included him in anything they did together.

Jacob knew it wasn't supposed to be like this; a southern family from Marietta, not acting like a big happy family.

So he decided to leave. He didn't know how he would do it, only that it would be that night.

Jacob never told his family about the pain he went through; that is, not until recently. It had moved Solomon to tears when he had said, "I felt like you guys didn't care: I felt like no one cared."

Now, with a promise from all four other members to work through his disorder, life couldn't get any better.

Jacob smiled, even though the tour was over. He knew people who loved him, and that's all he ever really needed.


	4. Chapter 4

After another 14 hours of flying, the Family Force 5 finally made it back to America. Packing all their bags into Jacob's Cadillac Escalade, they left Boston shortly after landing, heading towards the town of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, Sarah Whippet's home.

It was December 24th, Christmas Eve. Boston didn't seem so far away from Pennsylvania, so they decided to drive to PA and then find a place to spend the night.

As they drove along, they sang Christmas carols at the top of their lungs. "FROSTY the SNOWMAN was a VERY! HAPPY! SOUL!" It was a miracle Jacob didn't crash the car and kill them all, judging by how hard he was laughing.

"More like a very happy Soul Glow Activatur!" he shouted. "You're a snowman now, dude!"

They continued like this for 5 hours of the trip, then switched drivers. "My turn," said Nate. "Scoot your butt to the backseat."

Solomon smiled. "Nathan doesn't have a butt."

The three Olds bros laughed and high-fived each other. Nate just shook his head and turned back around. "You guys are super immature."

"Says the guy who flippin' _flicked_ my _ear_ on the plane to London!" Solomon said.

"Hey, I had a very good reason for doing that."  
>"Yeah, I believe you called me a 'pushover softie-butt', or something like that?" Sol smirked.<p>

"Shut up," Nate said, laughing. "We'll be there in like 4 hours."

…

And so it was. 4 hours later, they arrived in Pittsburgh. Josh wanted to stop at Hot Topic in the mall, and whined so much when Nate refused that he finally gave up and turned into the parking lot.

"You better make this fast, man," Nate directed Josh. "I'm tired, and it's getting late-ish."

Derek looked at his watch. "It's only 8:30, man."

"Well, I'm mentally beat. Hurry up, Josh."

Solomon stepped up. "I'll go with you. I could use some new fingerless gloves…these old ones are falling apart."

"More like these OLDS ones!" laughed Jacob.

"Would you stop making puns with my names, please? Gosh," Solomon muttered as he and Josh headed toward the entrance.

The two men fought their way through the crowd of people at the Macy's entrance. "Oh, I totally forgot it was Christmas Eve," Josh said.

"Uh, yeah. Nice going," said Solomon.

They slowly made their way to the top floor of the mall, and out to the main area. Josh beelined for Hot Topic, but Solomon got caught staring at the decorations.

"Whoa, look at all these lights," he whispered in awe. "Oh no they didn't! Man, Santa Claus himself is down there! We gotta go see him!"

"Sol, come on! I don't care about Santa Claus," his little brother said.

"Alright, fine…ooh, but how about I take a picture of us with him to send to Ca$h?"

"Solomon!"

"But—"

"No."

"Okay, I'm coming."

They walked into the small store, immediately surrounded by T-shirts, posters, and other people. Solomon couldn't take his eyes off of anything there.

"Oh man, I love that band!"

"Look, look! Ninja keychains, awesome!"

"Holy crud, they have NEON SOCKS here!"

"Hey, that girl was kinda cute…"

"Come ON!" Josh pulled him over to the section he was aiming for: the belts. Unfortunately, in Pittsburgh the belts were shoved behind the counter, so you had to ask for help just to look at one.

"Ow. Don't pull me around like that, man," Solomon complained.

At the counter, a young man was folding T-shirts and organizing CDs and texting on his phone and singing a song and hanging up scarves and messing with his gauges—all at the same time.

"Excuse me," Josh said. "Can I have a look at that red belt right there?"

"Sure thing," the guy said, handing him the belt. "Anything else I can help you with?"

Joshua said "No" right as Solomon said, "Yeah, I was wondering…do you have any Family Force 5 stuff here?"

The cashier made a face. "Um, I don't think so…although we may have one of their CDs over there…why do you ask?"

"I was just wondering," Sol said. "So you don't even stock their black and gold wristbands that say 'I 3 FF5' on them?"

"I think we used to, but no one bought them," the guy said, turning back to his multitasking. "I guess everyone realized they were lame."

Josh quickly looked up at Solomon. The polite smile on his face had left, and now he was looking…almost _angry_. Uh oh. Better get him out of here. Now.

"Hey man, just so you know, FF5 does not suck," Solomon said, pointing an accusatory finger at the cashier. "Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but you can't make a statement like that."

"Uh, Solomon? Time to go," Josh said quietly.

Solomon just waved him off. "So listen here—" he pulled the cashier closer to get a look at his nametag "—Steven, one thing you should learn is to never insult a band to the band leader's face."

The cashier named Steven staggered back. "You're the singer for Family Force 5?" he said.

"Yeah, I'm Soul Glow Activatur, and you're just some punk kid who thinks he knows good music. Well, lemme akks you this: Can you break-dance to screamo music?"

"Sol, come on," Josh was begging him now.

"Dude, are you gonna pay for your belt or what?" Solomon snapped.

"Yeah."

"Then do it," he said. "The sooner you pay, the sooner we get out of this stupid store."

Oh boy. That Steven kid had done it now. The one surefire thing to tick SGA off was saying something uncool about his band.

But apparently Solomon had not had enough yet. "Do you want me to bring the rest of my band posse in here?" he shouted. "They're sitting in the car out there! Maybe we'll sign a few autographs, you know, ones that say things like, 'Hey kid, stay cool, but sew up the holes in your ears and get a REAL job'!"

Steven looked genuinely hurt. Josh felt bad for the poor dude. "Sol, come on," he said as he began to usher him out. "Here, I don't want the belt."

Sol was still shouting at the cashier when they reached the exit. "And I bet you a hundred thousand dollars that I could beat you in any dance competition! And guess what? I actually _have_ a hundred thousand dollars to bet! That's more than you'll ever see in your life, working at Hot Topic! I bet you're Taco Belling, too!"

Josh could feel his face flushing as he hurried Solomon out of the mall. People were staring at them, probably thinking Sol was a lunatic.

As soon as they stepped outside, Josh burst into tears. "Whoa, what the heck, man?" Solomon asked him. "What's the matter?"

"Why do you always have to do things like that?" Josh yelled. "Why can't you just take it and shut up? That poor kid!"

Solomon couldn't believe it. In all of his 32 years (Josh's 30), he had never seen his youngest brother cry (Jacob was a few minutes older). Maybe he had gone too far this time…

"Listen, man, I'm sorry," he said gently. "I just get angry when people don't even give you a chance. You know? Like that guy assumed we were lame because he thought our band was lame."

"You don't know what he thought about us," Josh sniffed. "You're just assuming."

Sometimes, even the great Solomon Olds could be brought down a notch or two. "You're right. I promise I won't act like that ever again. No matter what anyone thinks about us."

"Okay," Josh stood up, wiping the near-frozen tears off his face. "I believe you. Let's get back to the others. And let's not mention what happened in there."

"Dealio," Solomon said, shaking his hand. "Come on, I'm freezing."


	5. Chapter 5

Perplexity. What a cool word, thought Derek. Perplexity. It kind of applies to me right now.

He was confused about why Josh and Solomon had refused to say anything for the rest of the ride, and why neither of them came out with any purchases. But who cared? It was Christmas Eve! Derek had stopped believing in Santa Claus a looong time ago, but he was still excited. Solomon said he was only getting gifts for his brothers, but Derek was still excited. There was just something about this time of year that reminded him of home in California; although, granted, winter in Pennsylvania was a bit colder.

He had hidden his friends' presents in the bottom of his suitcase. He couldn't wait to give them to them tomorrow morning, to see their faces light up. To hear Solomon say, "Oh man, and I didn't get you anything!"

Ha, ha, ha.

So when the group asked who wanted what for dinner, Derek may have been a liiittle bit over-the-top when he yelled, "Turkey is LEGIT, man!"

Oh well. It had made Jacob laugh. Yes, Jacob laughed, right before he said he wanted a chimichaaangaaa.

That crazy kid. He was just imitating their tech manager: whenever they went to the U.K., they ate Mexican (except for this past time). And Xanadu (that was his gangsta name) always dragged out the As in chimichanga.

Xanadu didn't even like chimichangas.

Anyway, so Derek Mount was beyond excited. Christmas always made him feel like a little boy again, unable to sleep all night in anticipation of the morning. Luckily, he was already pretty tired from the constant traveling the last tour had had, so he was ready to hit the hay by 10 PM.

But nope, of course Solomon had to call a group meeting right after Derek had changed into his PJ's! Thanks, man!

"I called you all into this meager little living room for a reason," Solomon said to all of them. "Tomorrow is Christmas."

Nate jumped off the couch. "What? Tomorrow is Christmas? Oh my goodness, what are we gonna do?" he yelled as he ran around the room in circles.

Everyone laughed. "Sit down, dude," said Josh, pulling him back into his seat. "Please continue, Sol."

"Thank you. Okay, so _yes_, tomorrow is Christmas," Solomon said, purposely pointing at Nate. "So that means we're going to Sarah's house tomorrow."

"And?" Derek wanted to go to bed.

"And, so I thought we should be prepared."

"Good idea. I'll make sure to leave you tons of cranberry sauce," Jacob cut in. "Okay, meeting dismissed. Goodnight, everybody."

Jacob began to get up, but Solomon stopped him cold. "Not so fast. I don't mean the food situation…although I would appreciate it if I got some cranberry sauce. Just sayin'. Y'all can have the stuffing. But anyway, Sarah told me on the phone that this would make her best day ever. So just be prepared for tears, hugs, staring, and basic gibberish about how awesome we are. I don't disagree. But keep it cool, stay down-to-earth, and don't fall asleep at the table."

"Who the heck falls asleep _at_ the table?" asked Derek.

"I did once," Nate said. "It was terrible. I was slapped awake by my grandmother, 'cause I fell into her mashed potatoes."

"Ok-ay then…" Derek shook his head and yawned.

"And one more thing, guys," SGA said. "I think we should do something nice for her and her family, just because."

"I'm up for that," Jacob smiled. (Derek couldn't help thinking about how nice Jacob was.)

"Okay, but what?" Josh asked.

Solomon thought for a minute. "I don't really know fo' sho', but maybe something like a private concert, or give her some unreleased demos?"

"That's not good enough," Jacob said, standing up again. "It's gotta be cooler, like something not band-related."

"But she said we were her favorite band," Sol argued.

"But for what reason, Sol O. Mon?" Derek commented.

"Sol O. Mon? Really? Why don't you go read 'Da Jesus Book' one more time, Derek?" Solomon said as he began to pace.

"Whatever," he shrugged. "But what if we could do something as just PEOPLE for once, instead of Family Force 5? Like forget that we're in a band, and just think of us as Derek, Josh, Jacob, Solomon, and Nathan."

Nate nodded from behind the couch cushion, which he had hidden behind after discussing his grandma. "I like Derek's idea, but what can we do for her?"

"I don't know, man," Josh said as he stretched. "But it's gotta be pretty good."

Just then Solomon whipped back around. "I've got it!" he shouted, eyes twinkling. "Oh, you're gonna love this."

…

Josh walked up to the salesman. "Excuse me," he said, thinking _Why do I always have to be the one to buy everything?_ "I had a question about one of the ones out here."

"Of course," the man said, and followed him out into the parking lot.

The asphalt was covered in a mixture of snow, gravel, and brand-new Audis. Oh, yeah. Solomon's idea was expensive, but amazing. They were going to buy Sarah one of the most costly and luxurious cars available for sale.

Josh pointed to a stunning silver model. "What's the tax deductible on that one?"

"Oh, that one is a real beauty. The list price is $84,000, but after rebates and deductibles, it comes out to about $77,000," the salesman told him.

Josh exhaled. $77,000. Even for a world-famous band, that was still a lot of money. Hadn't he heard Sol tell that poor cashier at Hot Topic that he had a hundred thousand dollars? Josh sure hoped he had more than that.

"Alright. I gotta talk to my brothers, and I'll get back to you. Thank you," said Josh, walking away and waving goodbye.

"Pleasure!" the salesman yelled back.

Josh walked back to Jacob's Escalade and opened the front door. "It's gonna cost about $77,000," he told Jacob in the driver's seat.

Jacob's mouth dropped open. "What?" Nate exclaimed from the back. The others began to murmur.

"Solomon, I know you want to be nice and all, but don't you think this is overdoing it just a wee bit?" Derek said. "Even this Cadillac didn't cost that much."

Sol shook his head. "I want to do this. I know it may seem weird, but I just have this feeling that this is what we should do."

Josh exhaled again, a bit harder this time. His breath turned to fog in the cold winter air. "Alright. I'll go seal the deal so we can go back to the hotel and get some sleep."


	6. Chapter 6

Solomon rolled over in his twin-sized bed. Five more minutes. It's not like it's Christmas or anything.

With a jolt, he sat straight up and realized that it was Christmas and anything. "Wake up, everyone!"

The others began to stir, but Derek was the second one up. He and Sol began jumping on the others' beds, laughing like hyped-up little kids.

"Come on, Jacob! Move, Josh! Nate, get up!"

Finally, after ten minutes of being jumped on, the others got up. "What time is it?" asked Jacob, yawning.

Derek checked his watch. "7:30 AM. Present time!"

After standing in a short line for the bathroom, the five men made their way to the living room area. "I'll make some coffee," Nate said from the kitchen. "Cookies, anyone?"

Everyone got a mug of coffee and a few cookies, not to mention a brand-new personalized Snuggie, compliments of Nate.

"Thank you, Nathan!" Jacob said, smiling down at the big gold letters that read CROUTON.

"No problem, Jacob," Nate replied, wrapped up in the NADADDY one he had purchased for himself.

Jacob got up and got out his wrapped parcels. "One for you…and one for you…and one for you…" he said as he handed them out.

Everyone said thanks as they opened up their brand-new hair product kits. For once, his older brother Solomon was grateful, but his twin brother Josh didn't seem too happy.

"Oh, man," he groaned. "Another excuse for Mr. Fashion Police to get his mitts on my hair."

"Shut up, Fatty," Sol said, throwing a pillow at him. "Thanks, man. This is great."

"My turn," said Josh, getting up and handing out boxes to the rest. Everyone said their thank-yous and ripped the paper off their gifts.

"Ohhh, man," Solomon breathed as he pulled out a new pair of hi-top shoes. "Hey look, Jacob, they're gold. They match your Snuggie letters."

At the same time, Jacob was opening a pair of snakeskin boots, Nate had some leather loafers, and Derek was happily holding his pair of purple Chucks. Josh smiled as he put on his own pair of snakeskin boots. "Dude," Sol said, pointing at Josh and Jacob's matching shoes, "I am so gonna have to borrow those."

"Is it like a custom to buy yourself something for Christmas?" Derek asked, lacing up his shoes.

"Kind of," Solomon said, pulling out not two, not three, but five boxes from behind the radiator.

"Oh good, 'cause I bought myself something too."

"Well, I lied and bought you guys stuff too," Solomon said, handing Nate and Derek their corresponding presents. "Happy Christmas, y'all."

They all eagerly opened their gifts. Solomon had just bought a fan a new Audi, so the presents he bought his band members must be awesome.

"Oh, my," Nate said.

They all held up FF5 T-shirts that Solomon had designed for their merch table and online store. He had bought them all the exact same one: the Christmas Pageant tank top with their faces drawn on it.

"Thanks, Solomon," Derek said, holding it up to himself for size. It seemed a few sizes too big for him at first glance.

"You're welcome. Now, look in the boxes," Solomon said, smirking into his cup of coffee.

Everyone looked down into their boxes and pulled out an envelope. They exchanged puzzled looks as they opened them. Solomon snapped a picture of them as they all realized that they were holding tickets to a Norwegian cruise in the Mediterranean. "Sike! Hahaha, I so got you!"

"Oh, man!" Jacob shouted. "Thanks so much, Sol! Now me and Bethany can spend some time away together."

"And me and Lauren," Nate commented.

"And me and Sarah…my wife, not Sarah Whippet," Derek smiled.

"And me and _my _Lauren," Solomon said, holding up his own package.

"And just me," Josh said.

Nate patted his shoulder. "Someday, man, don't worry."

Josh looked over at Derek. "You're the only one left. Did you get me a girlfriend for Christmas?"

"Nope, sorry," Derek laughed as he gave each of them their gift. "But maybe you'll forget about girls once you open it."

Everyone looked up at him with scared expressions on their faces. Derek fell over laughing. "Just open them!"

They opened up the boxes, only to find nothing but a single Christmas card in each one. Josh opened his card first, and nearly fell over in fake shock. "No way, man! This is incredible!"

Derek just smiled as the rest got their certificates, good for one PS3 or Xbox 360, complete with Kinect. "Yeah. I know I'm awesome."

Solomon couldn't stop smiling. "Dude, where'd you get the money for this?"

"Oh, I just took it out of the band's account, in your name," Derek said, sticking his tongue out at Sol.

Solomon quit grinning. "Oh no you didn't." Derek backed up. "You so did not," Solomon said, closing in on him.

Derek began to sweat. Maybe he had gone too far—after all, Solomon had a bit of a temper…

But before he could make another move, Solomon scooped him up and kissed him on the cheek. "Who cares? PS3, baby!"

Derek pushed himself out of Solomon's grip and wiped his cheek, grimacing. "Ew, man. No bromance, 'kay?"

"Sure," Solomon said, sitting back down. Derek headed for the kitchen, but Nate tackled him in a hug (obviously ignoring Derek's no-bromance rule). Derek tried to push him off, but the two of them knocked over Josh's coffee onto Jacob's Snuggie, staining it. The letters that spelled CROUTON were no longer gold; rather, they were a poopy-bronze color.

Jacob shrieked. "Ewww! It looks like crap now!"

"Literally," Solomon said, laughing.

"I'll get you a new one, Jacob," Nate said reassuringly. Jacob pouted, but nodded.

"A'ight, we'd better get ready to go to Sarah's house," Solomon said, standing up from the recliner. The others packed up their new gifts (holding on dearly to Solomon's cruise packages and Derek's console certificates) and headed for the shower.

"Excuse me," Nate said. "I am not showering with all of you."

"Me neither," said Derek.

"You think I want to?" Jacob said.

"Ew" was all Josh grunted.

Sol walked up behind them. "I'll solve this…coolest goes first. See ya."

….

About an hour later, the Family Force 5 was all clean, packed and ready to go. Well, except for the fact that Jacob had to use the bathroom. After that smelly ordeal, Nate lit a candle and left it in the bathroom.

"P.U., man," he said, waving his hand in front of his nose. "Lay off the chimichaaangaaas."

Solomon got into the new Audi, while the other four piled into the Cadillac. They left the hotel and headed for Sarah's house, a mere 20 minutes away. Derek got out his cell phone and dialed the number Sarah had called from before.

A man picked up this time. "Hello?"

"Hi, is Sarah Whippet there?"

"Who is this?"

Derek looked at the others. "This is Der—I mean, Chap Stique, from Family Force 5. I'm just making sure it's okay for us to head over now."

The man sounded more relaxed. "Oh yeah, she's really looking forward to it. I'm sure you can come now."

"Alright, cool. We'll be there in like, I don't know, 15 minutes."

"See you then."

Derek snapped his phone shut. "Well, it's clear to proceed, gents."

Approximately 26 minutes later (you didn't think there'd be traffic on Christmas Day?), they pulled up to the address Sarah had given them on Facebook. Jacob parked the Cadillac on the side of the road, and Solomon drove the Audi around the circle Sarah's house was on. He parked it on the other side of some trees, so they could surprise her with it later.

They all met up at the base of her driveway. "Here we are," Solomon said. "Let's do this. For cranberry sauce!"

He charged up the driveway as the rest followed close behind. They hesitated at the front door, actually feeling a bit nervous.

"Might as well," Derek said, as he knocked on the door.


	7. Chapter 7

The door opened, and Solomon saw that the girl standing in front of them was Sarah Whippet. She smiled with that creepy (but sweet) smile of hers.

"Hey guys! Come on in!" she said as she ushered them in from the cold. "You're just in time for the hors d'ouvres."

They all wiped their feet on the little rug in front of the door and headed up the stairs to her kitchen. "Hey Mom, these are the guys from Family Force 5," Sarah said, addressing a woman slicing turkey.

Her mother merely nodded in their direction as she continued cutting meat. Jacob walked up to her. "Turkey!" he shouted. "Hey, you know what Derek says about turkey?"

"Turkey is legit," said Derek, walking up next to him. "It looks delicious, ma'am."

Solomon casually glanced around the rest of the kitchen. "So, I heard you're having cranberry sauce…"

"Oops," Nate said as he knocked over a decorative angel.

"I'm starving. When's dinner?" asked Josh.

Sarah's mother put down her electric slicer. "Please, just go downstairs until I call you," she said impatiently.

"Um, follow me," Sarah said, shooting her mom a look before going down the stairs. "We can play Just Dance or something. I know Sol would like the Body Movin' one."

"I haven't the slightest idea what you're talking about, but okay!" Solomon said.

"Forget Just Dance, I think her mom wants us to play Just Get Out of My House Already," Nate whispered.

The five men and Sarah went into the living room, amongst a few other members of Sarah's family. "This is my best friend, Reagan," Sarah said. "She's another huge fan."

Solomon noted that Reagan's smile wasn't as disturbing as Sarah's. That was a nice change. "I'm Solomon, a.k.a. Soul Glow Activatur," he said, shaking Reagan's hand.

"Oh, I know who you guys are," she said, beaming at them. "You guys are like my favorite band. I can't believe you came!"

Josh looked over at Solomon before he answered. "Yeah, it was no problem at all."

Reagan directed her beam of sunshine to Josh. Whoa. Dude. She had like, _really_ pretty eyes…

"Josh, did you bring the presents?" Derek asked, snapping him out of it.

"Uh, what presents?"

"The presents for the people."

Josh had no idea what he was talking about. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Never mind," Derek said, shaking his head. "Hey, I just realized something. Where's Xanadu and Ziploc?"

"Uh, they went home. To their _families_. As most people do on _Christmas_," Solomon said with a big cheesy smile on his face.

Nate nudged him. "I know you're not happy. I'm not happy either. If it were my choice, I'd be in the dojo right now. But I'm not. Now then—" He turned to Sarah. "—shall we commence the video gaming?"

…

48 minutes and buckets of sweat later, Jacob stood triumphant as the best Just Dance Just Dancer. Derek was panting in a recliner. "How…do…you…do it?" he asked the winner.

"Ha! Just because you never see me dance, doesn't mean I _can't_," Jacob said, smirking. "Drummers have rhythm naturally."

"RE…MATCH!" Nate shrieked from the floor.

"No way, man," Solomon said, taking a drink of water. "I'm exhausted."

Josh had come in second place. "I never knew you could dance like that," Reagan told the muscular bassist.

"Oh, come on. Haven't you seen the music video for 'LIFE!' by The Brothers? That was really me dancing, you know," he said.

"That's so cool."

Just then, Sarah's dad walked in the room. "Hey guys, what are you doing?" he asked the pooped group.

"Losing a dance competition," Sarah laughed.

"Okay. Hey, some of your friends are here," he said as he left.

"Thanks, Dad. I'll go get the door."

Jacob walked up to Reagan. "Hey, man. Tell me that wasn't the foxiest dancing you ever saw."

"Um…uh…" she stuttered. "If you mean it was good, then yeah. If you mean it was _sexy_, uhhh…"

"Just stop right there. I'll take it," Jacob said. "By the way…have you ever thought about putting burgundy lowlights in your hair?"

"Oh my gosh! I totally have already done that!"

"Really? How'd it look?"

"I liked it a lot."

"Would you ever dye your hair black?"

Reagan smiled. "I think you and I should get together later on and discuss options."

"I'd love to, girl," Jacob said, swiveling his head. "And how opposed would you be to getting a lip ring?"

"I love you," she said, stepping forward and embracing him.

"Okay guys, I'm back," Sarah said, walking into the room. "And I brought the party!"

Solomon looked up from his spot on the couch. Oh no. No. No way. No.

"Hi, everybody," the young man named Steven said to them all.

Oh, crap. Oh no. What to do, what to do? Maybe I should hide. Where? Behind that old recliner, yeah. Wait. No, he'll see me.

Sarah began pointing. "Steven, this is Crouton, and Nadaddy—"

Maybe if I pull my collar up _really high_…

"—and Chap Stique—"

Crap.

"—and Fatty—"

Jesus, take me home.

"—and Soul Glow Activatur."

Maybe he's stupid and won't recognize me.

"Soul Glow Activatur? From Family Force 5?"

CRAP.

"Yeah, how'd you know if you don't like FF5?"

CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP GET OUT OF THERE NOW!

"That guy totally—"

"—is just so recognizable, because of my…eyes," Solomon interrupted. "Yep. I get that a lot, I know."

Josh shot Sol a look that said _Oh my gosh. Really?_

"Uh…" Steven was confused. (Again.) "I mean, I recognize that Fatty guy too. Yeah, he was there too!"

"There? There where?" Sarah asked.

Oh great. There goes my career. SGA, the guy who bites the heads off innocent cashier guys. Sigh.

"At Hot Topic…they came in and wanted to buy something, but he—" Steven pointed to Solomon, "—went off because we don't stock FF5 wristbands."

"What? What did he say?" Sarah said, slowly turning and looking at Sol. He then tried to shrink down behind a pillow.

"He told me to sew up the holes in my ears and get a real job," Steven answered.

Dang. This kid did have a good memory.

Sarah looked furious. "He did not!"

"He did."

"Solomon!" Sarah stormed up to him. "What the crap is wrong with you?"

"Er…uh…no, see, it's not what it looks like…" Why did I say that? It's exactly what it looks like.

"You guys mess with Steve, you mess with me!" Sarah said defiantly.

"Okay, okay, everybody calm down," Nate cut in. "Soli, apologize, and Steve, forgive."

Solomon sighed. "I'm sorry, man. I was a total jerk earlier."

"No kidding," Steven nodded. "But I guess it's all good now."

"See?" Nadaddy smiled. "Everything's cool."

"Um, not with me," Sarah said. "I still can't believe you would treat him like that. And to think I looked up to you."

"Hey, you can't just—" Sol tried to argue, but Sarah's father walked in.

"Sorry guys, but I need to check the weather," he said as he changed the TV from Just Dance to cable.

"That's fine, Mr. Whippet," Derek said. He leaned over to Jacob, who was still busy gabbing with Reagan about who was best on American Idol. "Hey, Jacob. Did you know about Sol going off on someone?"

Jacob rolled his eyes dramatically. "Sorry, Reagan, I'm being talked to." He turned to Derek. "No, I did not. Frankly, I don't care. If you don't mind, we're discussing how Steven Tyler won't stop saying the word 'beautiful.' Now, where were we?"

Reagan smiled even wider. "Can I be like, your best friend?"

"Only if you promise to let me do your hair," Crouton smiled back.

"Oh, man!" Mr. Whippet suddenly exclaimed. "Look at that!"

The weather report had been interrupted for a local alert. The motel nearest to the Whippets' house was on fire. A reporter showed up onscreen and began to talk. "Only minutes ago, this motel apparently spontaneously burst into flames. Firefighters are unsure what has happened here to cause this, but can trace the source of the fire to room 112."

"Room 112?" Josh said. "Uh, guys…wasn't that…"

Nathan Currin's face turned white. "Oh, no," he breathed. "I lit a candle in the bathroom after Pooton, well, pooed."

Solomon looked at him. "You think…?"

"I can't believe it." Sarah was crossing her arms now. "You guys are the _most_ irresponsible, immature, retarded people I have ever met."

"Now, Sarah, take it easy," her dad said.

"Dad! Soul Glow Activatur totally flipped out on Steven, Nadaddy burnt down the motel they were staying at…" She looked over at Reagan and Jacob on the couch. "And Crouton stole my best friend!"


End file.
